Masquerade

I've been playing a lot of poker at Foxwoods recently... and as of late, I've managed to come out on top, or at the very worst, even.  In general though, I'm not making the kind of money I should be given the tables I sit at.  Mike and I had a discussion in the car on the way back... and there's always been something tugging at my mind about how we always seem to walk away from Foxwoods.

It has always bothered me that the people we tend to play seem to have never ending bankrolls... and that yet somehow, the 'bad players' manage to walk away with a bunch of money.  Mike actually pointed me in the direction of how this works out mathematically today in the car... where at least in limit... that at a certain point, aggressive players end up making the right move mathematically (even though they may be doing it for the wrong reason).  Rather than explain this to you all... I think I'll try to leave this simple...

In general... most of the people in the low limit games go with the thought of losing money.  Many of the people I've encountered have seen the game on TV, played a bit on the internet, and just want to play in person... Some people are 'regulars' and make the trek to foxwoods every weekend.  In many cases, these regulars still have some pretty glaring flaws in their game... (I'm not saying my game is nearly flawless).  In either case, most of the time, there's a fair bit of action with very questionable hands.  More importantly, in the no-limit games, people don't really know how to value their hands, and bet far too much for what their hands are worth.

I find myself to be a fairly tight player... and as Mike and I worked through, it seems like I play too conservatively for the no-limit games (which is mostly a result of my bankroll, and overthinking my opponents play, and under-analyzing the value of my bets).  After I dropped him off... I started thinking about how my poker game somewhat reflects my general character... and its somewhat funny to make the comparison (at 5:02 in the morning).

I like to put my effort into what I "know" to be a sure thing.  While I see things that are inherently more risky that I can try... I often forgo the risk to wait for something more certain to come along.  Its the high risk/high gain vs little risk/little gain scenario.  Its been said many times that slow and certain wins the race... but too often, I see that little risk/little gain can get you trapped on a treadmill of sorts... where you're always running as fast as you can to stay where you are...

There's a way to win while making bigger risks... its still calculated risk... but you give yourself enough support to compensate for the swings.  So rather than taking the safe exit, you give yourself safety in other ways.  Ultimately, there's no such think as a truly safe risk... At the end of the day, its possible to lose it all if you put it on the line... but as they say... while you can't lose what you don't put in... you can win it either.

I think that while I'm putting it in with my best, I'm not valuing my best enough to make it compensate for what I lose.  So all in all, I need to make more of an effort to really back my best... but who knows what I'll wake up to tomorrow morning ;)

I suppose I should preface this with a big "this wasn't triggered by anything that has happened to me recently".  I'm sure that people will read into it nonetheless... but I'll do my best to make it clear that it has nothing to do with anything that is going on in my life.  Things are going great ;o)  but I think its a topic worth broaching in any case.

Its why I feel like parents often live through their children.  Why we feel so much joy in mentoring children, or teaching others... so that they might aspire to achieve that which we fail.  I remember vividly, the joy in my father's eyes whenever I achieved success in baseball.  Even though he loved to see me do well at anything in life, baseball was truly close to his heart.  He told me after I stopped playing that it was his dream to play in the majors... and that when he started to coach me, that he saw those stars in his eyes again... that he wanted me to make the major leagues.

Is nostalgia just that feeling of remembering what it was like to dream ? 

I watched Friday Night Lights again tonight, primarily because I was just looking for something to kill the time, but its really a story about putting your life behind everything, and falling just short.  Its often been said that the ride is more important than the destination... but when you're driving along that road, the destination is often all that you're thinking about.  Only in remembering the ride do you truly appreciate everything that goes into it.

Dreaming about something... having that absolute passion is truly a wonderful motivator... I've often wondered what it is that starts that spark... how it is that when you're truly behind something, that you'll manage to keep the smallest hope alive.  We all seem to do it in different things, sports, love, business, hobbies... no matter what the circumstance, we persist and persevere... but when that hope is lost for good... when the flame finally goes out... at that very moment, when the dream becomes something of the past... That's where the true beauty of our character shines through.

Life is as much about how we manage our defeats and failures as much as it is about how we succeed.  In the grand scheme of things, I've been a very fortunate, very lucky, and very successful person.  God has been incredibly good to me.  While I seem to be able to manufacture plenty of things to complain about, I very rarely find myself with the challenge of truly losing a dream.  The hope is still there with most everything I've ever cared about.

But for the few dreams that I have lost... the dreams I pursue now are all the better for it.  Its that process of turning out the lights... letting the sun set so that you can clearly see the stars... there's always something new behind the dreams that you make... and those that you miss... and I think that the hope... that understanding of the dreams yet to come, is what keeps me moving forward.

So is losing a dream devestating ?  Only in that it destroys your perception of the world at large... only that it changes your perspective so that you might become what you are truly meant to be.  Its a necessary destruction for future creation.

Now if you'll excuse me... I have some dreams to pursue...

So a few of my friends have been getting me to look at guitars again. I immediately fell in love with a Gibson that was... well... is... wayyyyy too expensive.




Its funny how supremely convinced I've become to the idea that I'll actually rock if I buy this guitar and the pedal... and the other equipment on my shopping list that I'm far too embarrassed to display...

But I think the most important thing I've begun to remember... is how important music is to me, and how beautiful the sound of a properly tuned, well played guitar can be.

So I guess its back to trying to play an hour or more a day... putting down the guitar hero controller... and seeing where I get... so that maybe... just maybe... I'll deserve to buy some of this equipment...

Lately, I've been having these moments where the world seems fairly muddled. I'll get lightheaded, and I won't be able to process thoughts in my normal way... then other times, I have these moments of absolute clarity. Its rather strange. Its like having an hour of being completely useless and 15 minutes of being completely and totally productive in batches throughout the day.

I'm not sure if its related to my sleep apnea, some other strange condition I've developed, or if its just some mental stupid thing I've developed recently. In any case, its been really frustrating.

I don't think anything frustrates me more than knowing that I want to think about something, and not being able to. All in the same, the moments of clarity are amazing. I'm not sure if its just the difference between being hazy and having a clear head...

I have a feeling its probably related to my health, and I'm just going to have to push through it...

Given how much is on my plate right now, clarity is definitely what I need. I don't like spacing out late in the day, and knowing I'm not being productive. Well... here's hoping I figure it out soon enough.

Back when Christina Aguilera first made it big, she made her name by singing songs that were usually reserved for the traditional singers full of soul and really belting it out with the best of them. For me, it was those songs, and not the pop songs that she sung that really made her stand out. Its that 'little white girl singing big black soul woman songs' thing that just seemed to be so cool...

She recently pushed out a single called "hurt" on her album Back to Basics, and it goes back to that style that really established her. From what I've been reading, she requested that her writer help her write a song about losing a loved one. The video that goes along with it gives you a little more background, but I found it to be rather inspired.

I think there's also a little bit of regret that I feel when I hear the song, as I know that there are a few people that have passed away that I haven't been able to tell things that I've wanted to say. I think engendering this kind of emotion is the mark of a truly wonderful song. Its a shame that so many of the songs now don't achieve the same kind of impact...

Ah well... I'll have to check out the rest of the cd set now :-p

I've recently started talking with one of my high school friends quite a bit recently. Most of the time when I encounter people from my high school, the conversations are fairly brief, and don't merit in much other than "hey, you look cool with a goatee..." or "how come you haven't taken over the world yet ?".

This time however, I've really managed to connect with her in a more real way than I've connected with others from my past. Strangely enough, her recent focus is on doing something that I've been challenging myself to do over the past couple of years (and probably failing pretty miserably at). So we've made a pact to both make steps forward together...

and that's to work better at being ourselves...

Given that I'm not sure many people understand what that means to me, it probably doesn't seem like much. Though I'm sure on some level, you all understand the premise. The idea is simple enough... aspire to do the things that you know you can do, and with as much passion and care as you put toward other things in your life. For me, work is an all consuming thing...

Most people who know me, readily realize that work was not what defined me in the past... however, recently, I've come to find that my work life has all but consumed my personal life... and this step that I'm taking with my friend is to help me rediscover that side of myself.

She's a real sweetheart, and I'm really happy to have someone to lean on, as I'm sure she feels the same way...

Unfortunately, I know this is a hard path to stay on... especially when things are going so well at work... but I think everyone agrees, that if I can stay on this horse, that we'll all be the better for it (I'm so much less of a pain when I'm happy).

That's it... *goes back to work*

I was looking for my poetry anthology (or at least a few entries from it) on my blog the other day, and started to read some of the older entries as I browsed. Unfortunately, I did not find what I was looking for (as it turns out, I think the masquerade with poetry was on a blog site that went down.

In any case... reading some of that past stuff made me realize how limited my perspective was in the past. Its amazing what a few years will do to you in terms of changing your perspective. I've often had moments like the one I'm having now when I outgrow the small pond I've come to call home and venture out into the great ocean. It happened in the move from high school to college, and the move from college to my working life.

I think what is most interesting about all of this though, is that while I realize my perspective was limited, it also offers me a touchstone to measure my own perspective now against.

So here's to being angsty ;)

Outside of that... life has been crazy busy lately. Perhaps I'll find some time here and there to post again... not sure... but I know at the very least, that I'd like to be able to have some record of how I've been thinking...

anyway... I need to get back to my work... otherwise I'll end up staying here till 3 am.

Well since I've had complaints :-p

I should warn you that most of my life is still wrapped up in work. Its by choice... partially by my refusal to deal with my personal life, but moreso because I want this company to be the best at what we do (what that is yet, I am not entirely sure. We're fluid because we have to be, not necessarily because we want to be.)

So since I picked up the car...

We spent a good deal of time finishing a contract on Disney Playhouse Online... and while doing that, we started prototyping a casual game that has been pretty well received across the board... but we didn't have enough money to finish doing that one on our own, so I went back to doing business development. We hit quite a few dry sockets, but we finally came up with some work on a project that was fairly similar to MassBalance (more on that later).

I spoke at a conference in Washington DC about our government work with Kent. What was expected to be a 50-75 person presentation ended up being a presentation to a grand total of 4 people. It turned out that during my presentation, that next door, they were giving the presentation for Unreal Engine 3... and pretty much everyone was there (that's not to say that people would have attended mine instead, but it makes a pretty darn good excuse).

Its ironic that it was an Unreal Engine 3 presentation... because walking out of my presentation, I received a phone call from one of the studios we work with, and he was calling to offer a contract working on an Unreal Engine 3 game (for the XBox 360 and the Playstation 3). So that pretty much blew away any bad attitude I had about the conference.

After we signed that contract, we were dancing on the clouds for a while. We had enough money to pay our staff (and even get raises), and work our way toward finishing our prototype. We had interest from a few casual publishing companies, and a bunch of companies wanted to do some work with us. So all in all, we were happy (not to mention the fact that we were working on a next gen project with an incredible team)...

Then the funding evaporated on the project... and we found ourselves in a bind. Fortunately, there were a bunch of companies around to scrape up our bandwidth, and we signed a contract almost immediately (I should mention that the studio that brought us on wasn't at fault, and has been phenomenal in trying to line up work with us again...)

After we signed that contract, we found out that the company we were working with on the Unreal Engine 3 work needed developers again... so we went from feast to famine and then right back to feast... Since that time, we've been looking to hire on developers... and unfortunately, haven't found any that really meet our requirements...

About the time that we signed the contract, Randy let Chris and I know he was moving out. Although I'm not entirely certain what stimulated the move, I can be reasonably sure that some of it had to do with the fact that I was never around to do my share of the work around the apartment (I'm also certain its not ALL related to that). In either case, we didn't really part on bad terms, he's living somewhere else now, and Brandon is replacing him, so I'm not going to need to move.

Since then, I've been scrambling to catch up... but I think I'm just about back to the status quo...

That's the whirlwind tour...

Basically... lots of work... not much personal (I'm still bottling that all up)... and general fun to go around...
I figured the car pictures were more fun to look at... but I could be wrong...

So I've had a few people poke me and tell me that I need to update this. I suppose its been long enough that people probably have no idea what's going on with me.

So... lets see... what's happened since I got my car...

umm...

er...

...

right... I'll think on that one and post something later.

I don't really have the time to be doing this... but I've waited long enough... and I need a break from the work I'm doing... so here goes...

My poor jeep was dying on me... and I didn't feel like letting it give out on me... so I gave it a fond farewell...
*waves to the jeep*

So I decided that since I'm going to be rich some day (it better be soon if I'm going to truly afford this lease), that I would start leasing a new 2005 Murano...

I've included pictures, but out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to let you opt to see, rather than loading it every time you see my journal anywhere.

Enjoy! Back to work for Gez...

( Read more... )

Well, I wanted to give everyone an update...

About midway through the week, I started to develop a fever. A rather high fever actually. I started downing about 12-14 cups of water a day, and started taking Advil. The pain from my tailbone was getting worse, and I went from being in pain when I sat down, to not being able to sit down at all. In some cases, even laying down was hard.

I was miserable, so I decided to try to get short term health insurance. Well as fate would have it, I cannot get MA health insurance without having an MA license (or if I'm a student). I couldn't go stand in line at the DMV because I was too dizzy/woozy from having a high fever, and I couldn't sit down for more than 30 seconds without groaning in pain.

So I called my parents, about the time that everyone was heading out for the weekend. My mom panicked a bit... as I expected... but for once, I decided to listen to what she and my dad had to say instead of fighting with it. I think the fever had broken down my ability to be stubborn by that point.

So I called the local emergency room and let them know of my situation. I still have no idea what the financial damage is going to be like... or if I'll qualify for their free care program, or something else... but suffice it to say, they told me they could see me. Mind you, at this point, I still thought that the problem was with my tailbone, although it made NO sense to me that I would have a fever...

So I half attempt to get dressed, all the while trying to determine whether or not I can drive myself, and decide that I need someone to help me. Most everyone was gone, but it just so happened that Brandon was around. Brandon drove over here, took me to the ER, and even stuck around and waited for me through the whole 6+ hour ordeal (thanks again Brandon).

So I arrive at the ER... and the nurse practicioner is as confused as I am about why I have a fever. She asks to take a look at my tailbone, and says 'ah... yeah, you have a pilonidal abscess, everything suddenly makes sense'. For those of you non medical folks... a pilonidal abscess is a cyst on the tailbone that gets infected. What I had originally thought was two bands of extremely tight muscle, was in fact, all infected.

So they wheeled me across to the other side of the ER, and tried to draw blood. Now mind you, I am normally hard to get blood from. The usual nurse takes anywhere from 3-5 stabs at me before finally getting me. Apparently I was superhuman in hiding my veins... because it took 5 nurses, lab techs, and doctors working together to get my blood going and hook up an IV. (I think they poked me at least 8 times).

So after getting my blood off to the lab, they told me that they would be draining the abscess, and that they would be giving me a general anesthetic that would dull the pain, but would keep me conscious. Apparently they decided against that, and decided to give me a pain killer and a bunch of locals. I won't lie to you... I hate shots... I hate shots directly into something that hurts even more. They gave me 5 shots of novicaine directly into my backside surrounding the main part of the abscess.

After waiting for the local to take hold, they started to drain the abscess. Unfortunately, they didn't numb enough of the area, so at the tail end, I felt the scalpel. Suffice it to say, it wasn't an entirely pleasant experience.

That being said... I have always preferred the med school hospitals because of the attitude of the people who are there. Everyone was very friendly (and apparently impressed by how kind I was to them when they were hurting me. To quote one woman - "wow... we've pricked you 6 times and you're still smiling"). Moreover, they were capable. This was just something that was generally painful.

They sent me home with vicodin and some antibiotics... and a load of gauze.

So every once in a while, I have to change the gauze, which, in itself is a complicated process because of how much they make me put on so that it protects things, soaks everything up, and also lets me move... its even more complex when you have to do it yourself, and you cannot really reach behind you properly to put it on. This started as a 2.5 hour ordeal for me. I have it down to about an hour now... but its still a pain that I will be glad to not have to deal with soon (I hope).

So tomorrow, I go back to the ER to have them pull out the 'wick' which is a piece of gauze they left in the incision to draw out the infection. They will also tell me whether or not I need to have it drained again. I'm hoping that this is it...

So all in all, at the moment, things are still quite painful, but there is not nearly as much pressure on my tailbone as there was before. I can lay down more comfortably now, and have actually been able to sleep a bit. I still have a fever, but its not near 103, its closer to 99.

If all goes well tomorrow, I should be able to return to work, and maybe by the end of the week, stop using all of this gauze.

So that's basically what's up. I'll return with the drama of my jeep when I'm actually driving it :-p

I'm not sure exactly how sick I am yet... either I'm making a much bigger deal out of how I am feeling (which is probably good for me anyway because it forces me into doing more healthy things)... or I'm far too sick/unhealthy for someone my age.

Truth be told... with what has happened to my father, and some other people close to me... being that my symptoms are similar... it scares me. I really can't afford to be this sick right now... because, along with the fact that my car is dying, and the myriad of bills that I have paid (and am still paying this month), we're too close to making money at work for me to go off the deep end now...

Bah... I really hope that sleep helps...

A mushy moment for me if you will.

I've always been a space nut. I almost went to Space Camp... and once dreamed (as many young children do), of being an astronaut. According to one of my family friends, when I was young and my parents took me to the space museum in Alabama, there was a particular exhibit that drew my attention, a small mechanical arm, where you would hold the grips, operate the arm, and stack cubes. Most children had problems stacking 2 or three. Apparently, I was dextrous enough to stack the styrofoam blocks all the way to the top of the container (so there was no room left for me to stack the remaining blocks), so I grabbed the stack about a third of the way from the top, removed a bunch at the same time, and started a second stack.

Suffice it to say, people were impressed. Rumor was that the equipment I used was similar to equipment that astronauts used in space. I guess that was enough for me at the time. I was content to look at the stars instead of visit them. I've lived out that fantasy in other places I suppose.

Nonetheless, I've always been interested in space (and still not entirely sure why I had to write all of that for what I'm about to say). That was a part of my life I was reintroduced to a while back. I remember laying out on an empty football field at the Mount, looking up at the stars, just staring out into space... looking briefly through a high powered telescope, enjoying the company as much as I enjoyed the sky.

This morning, around 2:00 am (not the 5th, the 4th), the device struck the comet, (and apparently, was a success). Apparently, the explosion was bright enough to be seen from earth by the naked eye, and I'm sure, would be spectacular via telescope.

This is something I want to be laying out on a football field for 3 hours in the cold to watch. I want to have this as a conversation topic with the father I never had... and grin from ear to ear when it happens... for all of 10 seconds of our lives...

*sigh*

Well... at least I have pictures...

and its time to get back to work.

I'm glad so many people were able to make it to our place on the 4th. Unfortunately, I was too busy this year to make an effort to make a bigger deal of it this time around, and I'm sure I left people off of the guest list inadvertantly... so I hope the rest of you had a good day.

I'm exhausted... 2.5 days of cleaning/prep/hosting will do that to you.

I've still got a pile of stuff to take care of here in my room... in fact, what was once clean, is now hard to navigate again, but its not for a lack of organization this time, its just having more to put away. My new bookshelf is FINALLY out of its box, and up... and its waiting to be filled with more books than I can count.

I think I'll actually be able to completely move in to this apartment... before having to pack it up to move again. The last apartment I had, I left on unhappy terms. I really wanted to just run away from the life I built there... but I've started to get back in touch with the parts of that life I loved to have around...

I'm slowly rebuilding my social life... my work hours are tailing off, whether it be because Melson keeps poking me with the 'go home you workaholic' stick... or if its that we've started wrapping our work with a more professional wrapping paper that people are willing to respect... or if its just the time for it...

My work hours still are a bit lengthy... but that's by choice.

I've got a few more months of tight budgets to fight through... and assuming my poor little Damien (my jeep... don't ask) makes it through the next few months... then maybe I'll be able to move up in the world and get myself a newer car...

*sigh*

Its nice to have a bit of stability...

Strange what comes to you when you're cutting strawberries...

A few people have asked me what it means... A few haven't... walked away slowly... and just gave me dirty looks...

I could just leave off by saying 'It's great to be wanged!' and I'm sure I'd get even more dirty looks...

But... I suppose I'll explain...

Being Wanged is a symbol of being linked to off of Penny Arcade. Today, Q'Bicles had a front page entry on Penny Arcade. For those of you who haven't already seen the article: http://www.penny-arcade.com/news.php?date=2005-06-22#2648

We've had far too many downloads for me to keep up with... and even more are pouring in. I wonder what tomorrow holds...

*refreshes the stats page again*

*passes out*

I decided to watch Apollo 13 tonight... because its a movie that commonly gives me hope. I realized that I had never watched the 'making of' special... and at the end of the special, an excerpt of nixon's Medal of Freedom speech was played. I think its relevant to how I feel... and certainly provides me with the hope that I was looking for.

"I recall, Captain, that when I spoke to you on the phone, you said that you regretted that you were unable to complete your mission. I hereby declare that this was a successful mission, a great mission on behalf of your country.

Your mission served the cause of the space program because of what you did. It means that future manned flights to space which will be made by our space program will be safer. Your mission served the cause of international understanding and good will.

I think I can truthfully say that never before in the history of man have more people watched together, prayed together, and rejoiced together at your safe return, than on this occasion.

You did not reach the moon but you reached the hearts of millions of people on earth by what you did.

Finally, your mission served your country. It served to remind us all of our proud heritage as a nation; to remind us that in this age of technicians and scientific marvels, that the individual still counts; that in a crisis, the character of a man or of men will make the difference.

As we look at what you have done, we realize that greatness comes not simply in triumph but in adversity. It has been said that adversity introduces a man to himself. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you three men who have been introduced to themselves as much as anybody in the whole history of men.

Now I have the proud honor to present the highest civilian award that can be presented in the United States of America, the Medal of Freedom.

I will now read the citation:

To James Arthur Lovell, Jr., to Fred Wallace Haise, Jr., to John Leonard Swigert, Jr.:

The citation on each of your medals will read as follows:

Adversity brings out the character of a man. Confronted suddenly and unexpectedly with grave peril in the far reaches of space, he demonstrated a calm courage and quiet heroism that stand as an example to men everywhere. His safe return is a triumph of the human spirit--of those special qualities of man himself we rely on when machines fall, and that we rely on also for those things that machines cannot do.

From the start, the exploration of space has been hazardous adventure. The voyage of Apollo 13 dramatized its risks. The men of Apollo 13, by their poise and skill under the most intense kind of pressure, epitomized the character that accepts danger and surmounts it. Theirs is the spirit that built America. With gratitude and admiration, America salutes their spirit and their achievement."

-- Excerpt from President Nixon's Speech

You can Dodge a Ball!

- Patches

I am very good at building things up in my mind... and conveying that to the world. I believe that is what makes me an effective salesman. I force myself to believe in something so much, and so willingly, that I honestly, truly believe it when I sell it to someone else.

The problem with that is that I often carry that trait into places that it doesn't belong. The emotional build up I commonly suffer as a result is often heart wrenching when it doesn't need to be. Alternatively, where I should be totally heartbroken and devestated, I often convince myself that I am ok, so much so that what I was going through is merely a blip on my emotional radar.

Its that time after when my mind stops racing and my heart takes over that I realize what a complete fool I am. In some cases, I feel dirty and want to run and take a shower... because I just sold someone something they truly didn't need (which I truly try to avoid)... sometimes I actually feel what I should have felt... and sometimes I just feel dumb.

I built something up this past week so much that it dominated my thoughts. I actually had to keep myself from breaking down at work for a couple of days... and occupy my mind completely with something else (usually failing).

I've managed to just let things more or less grind to a halt, and soak in my apathy... hoping that ignoring the situation would simply push it from my mind. About the only thing that helped me avoid te thought was usually something of urgent nature that I could no longer push to the back of my mind (like a deadline in 2 hours).

So when I came into actually doing what I planned on today... I thought that the world would end... and it didn't. It might have paused for all of 15 seconds... but then it went along at its regular pace. The anti-climactic feeling I have in my head right now is absolutely mindboggling...

(and no, I did not just watch the new Star Wars. I thoroughly enjoyed it, for those of you who did not see it yet).

I've forgotten what peace of mind was like. Its something I could do with more of. I've still got a lot weighing on my heart and mind... but for at least a few moments of my life as it stands, I feel good again... and that's saying a lot.

Certainly not how I expected the night to go.

I'm not sure I really have one right now. I have good friends who have done a lot for me... and I enjoy spending time with. I think what I'm lacking is the ability to feel like I can open up with the rest of the world closing off on me.

Most of my friends who used to hear me out are even reaching their wits end with me. I suppose the drama has just carried on too long. Maybe I need to find a film producer... they'll think I'm acting... they'll love it.

I really just need to find an outlet for all of this pent up emotion. Heaven knows that no one deserves to receive all of this... I just wish I didn't have to keep it bottled up... and truthfully... its wearing on me.

Grr... too much on my mind... I can't even form complete thoughts... so I'm just going to end the journal here... lest I become more vague and confusing.

I've heard so many uninformed people casually cast insults at producers and directors. Its often said to be one of the more 'cushy' jobs in game development, usually one of those token titles that is given out to someone that you just can't fire for some reason. Sometimes I hear this from folks in the industry... and I think for once, I understand why.

There are a few different kinds of 'producer' I have managed to identify in my short term as a producer.

The first, and popularly accepted, 'producer' is the one who does nothing, says nothing, and is a mouthpiece for a product. These people stay informed at the fringe. Their primary duty is not to keep people internally organized as much as their job is to externally represent a project, or more importantly, represent the internal process to a publisher.

The second type of producer is the person who believes their job to be devoid of risk. These are the people who take credit for success by claiming their organizational prowess and leadership is what made the development process so smooth. However, when faced with a project that is spiraling into disaster, quickly bail out and are quick to point a finger at the people who they are supposed to be supporting. These people commonly impede the process more than they help it.

The third type of producer is the person who believes their job to be thankless. These people give ALL of the credit of success to their team. They are also the people who take all of the blame. They commonly misinterpret their role as a producer and take on everything and anything to make a project work. Sometimes these people work inhuman hours on something they know very little about in hopes that they might save a deadline. More often than not, this is also a pathway to failure.

Moreover, in all of these cases, these producers fail to do the job they were in place to enforce. A good producer exists to facilitate communication across a team, and maintain the production schedule so that the product can be produced in time, assuming an acceptable number of setbacks.

Many producers resort to cutting off work, and taking it on themselves to do it. Often, this causes more of a problem than it solves in that the producer cannot do the job, or does not do it as well as the person who is assigned to that task. Moreover, this behavior keeps them from doing the job they were brought on to do, and ultimately leads in the COMPLETE loss of organization. Its very hard at times to differentiate between communicating with everyone about the work they do and actually being capable of doing each of those pieces of work yourself. As they say, producers are commonly in the role of knowing "just enough to hurt themselves".

The secret to being an effective producer is not just being able to point to every part of a project and explain what its status is, but more importantly, being able to communicate with the pieces of that project in the language they are most comfortable with. Your documentation must be presentable enough that the people who need its contents will actually take the time to read it. This may require saying the same thing in 5 different ways, but the end result is that everyone knows what is important to their domain of knowledge.

In the end, the best of producers may seem almost invisible. Their impact will most likely be felt when they are not available, or are a little behind the ball. More often than not, when the producer is on the ball, so is the rest of the project. Its when the producer fails to do their job, or properly communicate the status of everyone else in the team, that the projects fall behind.

So where do I fit in all of this ?

I'm guilty of all of these 'sins'. I'm not going to say that I am the happy medium... but I am working toward it... and for my lack of experience... that's all I can hope for.